Sunday, May 11, 2008

On the table.

Wow, it's been a month since my last post.

This post, though, is going to be my last post. At least for Little Buggas.

It's been six months since one of the worst days of my adult life. If you "know" me, you know what day I'm talking about.

And while there are seventeen separate posts that were written or half-written or barely started all talking about or alluding to those events or any that took place afterwards, none of them ever saw the light of day.

I'm removed from it now. In a different place. No longer angry, or sad, or hurt.

So I'm going to speak for me.

Hashing out the dirty details is not necessary. But I'm closing a chapter of my life by abandoning this blog, and in doing so, I need to clear my own personal air.

I want you to know that every time I uttered a word of gratitude, I meant it. Every prayer and word of encouragement was heartfelt. Every gift that was given was given with love. And I sincerely appreciate all of the kindness that was ever shown to me.

But my heart was broken to pieces that day. And by people I never, ever dreamed were capable of it.

I am quite fragile. It's a curse, I admit. I was in a bad place during those days. Fighting hard to avoid the PPD that plagued me with the Boy, living in those hard months between the death of my mom and the holidays and all of that. I broke, what can I say? It wouldn't have taken much to fix it, but that wasn't in the cards, I guess. Or else, I wasn't worth it. Whatever the reason, I can't dwell on it.

I may not have gone out screaming. Okay, so I skulked out into the night. You may consider it cowardly, but I was only protecting myself from things I feared would happen to further break my spirit (and those things, sadly, did occur).

Even one day later, my god, how I missed my girls.

So my Molly did something that I will forever be grateful for. She made a new space, with a touch of the familiar and some of the new. Whether I've ever said it or not, and whether it's true or not (and I don't want to know if it isn't, lol), I consider it a gift to me. And quite frankly, it's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

And lo and behold, most of my girls followed. While my heart was still broken, my girls made sure to try to fix it. And slowly but surely, they did. I never minded that they didn't make a clear-cut choice. I never minded that they divided their time. I never expected or asked them to pick a team. When the time came, they chose me. ME (Okay, and Molly too. Maybe a little bit). Can you even imagine?

And I'm happy again.

See, I never claimed myself to be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Hell, I've never even considered that title for myself. I'm just a silly girl with a busy life and a rambling brain who likes to have some friends to talk to. Maybe I invest too much in these relationships. Put too much of my hopes into them. I don't know.

But everything that I was back then was genuine. It was LA. Even the asshole parts. I've tried to right the wrongs, when the opportunities have arisen. Done what I can to restore my own karma to normal. Because I know I wasn't always so nice. I take responsibility for that behavior rather than shift the blame. I admit it, and I feel regret.

But I'm moving forward. On to new things. If you wish to follow me, you know where to find me. I'm not going into hiding by any stretch, so even if you don't want to ask, I'm sure you'll find me anyhow.

Thanks for reading. I hope you got something out of this sorry excuse for a blog. And I promise that round two will be, if not more entertaining, then at least more consistent.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Seven? Really??

Doing my evening blog hopping, my Mollydoll makes me aware of the fact that in a mere seven days, I will have the awesome opportunity to put all of the pieces of the puzzles that are three of my dearest friends together into real, animated, people that not only actually EXIST, but who will be within arms reach for a whole weekend.

I? Am totally freaking out.

Secretly, I think I kind of suck a whole lot. Fortunately, I have a really cute baby who likes to give snuggles, so they won't kick me out immediately.

To do before then?

Get a haircut.
Do something about the roots.
Buy a really soft cuddly shirt.
Somehow become cool in person.

Wish me luck, kay?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

What's the opposite of list?

So it's the happiest day in the Bugga home, otherwise known as "The day we get to turn the heat off!" Because if it weren't for Princess Cold Toes, we'd turn it on about four nights a year.

To celebrate, I decided to clean out the refrigerator.

I always realized just how much my pack rat tendencies showed themselves in the contents of my pantry. I was so proud when there were only two jars of peanut butter and one taco kit in the cabinet above the microwave--I used to buy one of each every single time I went to the grocery without questioning it whether we needed it or not.

For the first time, I am genuinely ashamed of the contents of my refrigerator.

What I do not need when I go to the grocery later:

A-1 sauce (two half bottles, one full)
Kosher dills (three jars of spears, one jar of sandwich stackers)
Green olives (three half jars, and I know there are two full jars in the cabinet)
Soy sauce (two bottles, both with about a tablepoon missing, because I use it for stir fry and only stir fry about once a year)
Strawberry milk goo (two bottles)
Baby juice (8 bottles of flavors she hates)

I also have enough individual servings of jell-o, pudding, applesauce, and various diced fruits to not have to buy snacks for the boy through the end of the school year. Which is in June. I have six pints of strawberries, too, but that was totally on purpose.

I should probably avoid working on the closet today, as I imagine my 27 pink shirts (just the pink ones!) will only serve to further depress me.

Seriously, what causes a person to do this?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

For you, friend...

You got so sick so quickly, I didn't get to say much to you in private. The talks we did get to have, you wanted hope, so that's what I tried to give you.

I just want you to know that I'm glad I got to have you as a friend, even though it was for such a brief period of time. You brought to my life some fun and laughter, and I thank you. You made me feel needed sometimes, and I already miss that.

You leave behind a whole slew of friends who would have given anything to take all of this away and to have you back with us. You made us smile, friend. As we sat and remembered how your favorite work activity seemed to be hiding outside the bathroom door so you could scare us as we came out, we had to laugh--you had to pick April Fool's Day, didn't you?

I've lost a parent, and grandparents, and aunts and uncles. I've lost people who had full lives and people who had half lives. I've never lost a friend, though, and I can't help but think that you were just to the point of beginning your life when this huge ordeal was...what's the word? Put upon you.

It doesn't make sense. Not one bit.

I want you to know, friend, what I take from this.

I hug my kids a little tighter each night; as I watch your mom try to get through this, I have to keep in mind that I cannot take for granted for even one second that the rest of my life will include my two beautiful babies. I need them to know that I love them with everything that I am, and no matter how, when, or why they need me, I will always, always be there.

I cherish my friends a little more. I don't know how long I'm going to have them, and I need to love those people who choose me as a confidant, a partner in crime, a shoulder to cry on...I need to make sure that they always know that the role they play in my life is unique and valued and appreciated more than I'll ever be able to put into words.

I need to take care of my health. I need to trust my gut, not ignore things, and remember that I am not, in fact, invincible just because I'm 29 years old.

I hope that wherever you are, the pain is gone. I hope that you can somehow see or feel the love that so many people felt for you. I hope you know how important you were to so many people, and how much, how desperately you will be missed.

Rest peacefully, friend.


Monday, March 31, 2008

Tag, I'm it!

I was tagged by Mandy (who did this for me!)
for seven random things...

Here are the rules:

1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

And awaaaay we go!

1. I was born with an extra pointy tooth in between my two front teeth. I had both baby and permanent. Sometimes I miss my extra fang!
2. I got pregnant 3 times while on birth control, but it took three years to get pregnant with LB once we started actively trying. Go figure.
3. I complain about how tired I am or how much my arms hurt because LB won't go to bed at night anywhere but in our bed, in my arms, but I love that THAT is what she needs Mama for. We have the best giggles rolling around on the bed before night-night and nobody else gets that.
4. I like to dip french fries into milkshakes.
5. I accidentally brought home a pair of shoes without paying last week. I called the next day, and the manager told me not to worry about it, but I spent that 24 hours or so in a sweat!
6. I own over 150 shirts. Not including sweaters.
7. I recently discovered that my favorite flower is the poppy. I don't even know that I've seen one in real life, but I've seen a lot of them represented artistically recently, and I really, really heart them.

And I don't know that I have seven readers to tag that weren't already picked by Mandy, so I'm gonna go

and Jess

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Little weirdos...

Both my kids. Odd.

LB ate tomato soup and guacamole for dinner tonight. Both on my "Top Ten Foods I hate with a capitol HATE." She gags on bananas and green beans, and her favorite flavor of yogurt is barfy vanilla. I swear I don't see how she can belong to me.

The Boy is hanging out at his Pap's for spring break. Today he calls me to tell me he is currently in New York, as he flew his kite there. He told me about the "Empiral State Building" and about watching Hairspray on Broadway, and also, somehow, about the pyramids. No clue there.

Then he asked me if we could get chickens, particularly a rooster that he can chase around the yard.

Doubt it, kiddo.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Ain't nothin' better...

Welcome to the world, baby AJ!

Congrats, Mama--can't wait to hear all about it!!